A Journey...

Whats the Diff? How To Tell an Average Therapist from a Great Therapist

2012-01-30T07:00:00.000-06:00

Looking for "help" to heal from dysfunction or abuse in any degree shouldn't be as hard as it is. Sometimes we can spend years in "therapy" wondering just when we are going to "get" it....

whatever "it" is.

Sometimes we wind up in situations where it doesn't seem to be working out but we are afraid to leave because we might wind up in just another bad situation.

Sometimes these not-so-helpful therapy relationships don't feel....

quite right

but we don't know

whats wrong.

Other times we hang in there because we are being told that its not working because, well...

we aren't working it.

And there is a balance to understanding when we are avoiding our issues or if the relationship isn't helpful.

Learning how to know if a therapy relationship is a good fit seems sooooo

complicated.

But the truth of the matter is - there are a LOT of well-meaning people out there who are really unqualified to help trauma survivors heal from the invisible wounds that get in the way of creating our "best life".

And I've been mulling over just how do we begin to identify and access the kind of help that is actually helpful vs the years that can be lost in an unhelpful and sometimes unhealthy ''theraputic' relationship?

And I came up with what I think is a good place to start.

Check it out...

The difference between an average therapist* and a great therapist?

The former will keep you as long as the insurance pays.

The latter ones focus is to help you learn to live without them.

The former will tell you that a treatment failure is because of something you did or didn’t do.

The latter won’t blame you for treatment failure. They might tell you its not working out – but they won’t need to make their lack of expertise your fault.

The former doesn't seem to have a plan for you to get where you want to go or they make the plan and you are supposed to be "compliant" to it.

The latter will involve you in making a plan to get where you want to go and invite you to discover your own process and help you find you way along the way.

The former may tell you things or make implications that lead you believe you can't be ok without them.

The latter will tell you can and will be ok without them.

The former may tell you that therapy will take a lifetime (residual income is a nice perk).

The latter will be able to tell you that therapy can be a tool when needed but is not necessarily a lifetime commitment.

In the former you may be told to call when in crisis.

In the latter you may be taught how to get through crisis.

I'm sure there are more indicators that I could come up with but...

I'd like to hear what you've come up with to be able to say "I"m in a therapeutic relationship that feels safe, I feel validated, I'm learning something about myself, I know my goals, the path I will take to get there and I can see I'm making progress".

Leave your notes in the comments below....

And then go rock your world today:)

Always always ALWAYS.....admiring your spunk!

Susan

*"therapist could as easily be doctor, psychiatrist or social worker - or even a friend or family member.

Ya...sad but true....helpers sometimes are not so helpful but they aren't the problem....its up to us to figure out what kind of help we want and then its up to us to know how to move on when its not working.

Truth hurts sometimes, huh?

Sorry. :(

The good news?!

This empowers us to leave that place of perpetual victimhood that keeps us stuck in that place of perpetual powerlessness and become our most powerful and amazing self!

Yup!

NOW you can go rock it!

I'm seeing that spunky side of you again....:)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Some just don't play nice

2012-01-23T07:00:00.001-06:00

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Empowerment is not something that can be given to us by others - or taken by overpowering others. It comes from realizing that we have the power to create the life we want for ourselves - ourselves. ~Susan

Uh huh...

You. Me. The whole bunch of us.

And the problem lies in that those who keep trying to discover their power by overpowering others is the same as for those who think someone else has to give them their power.

They just don't know that they already have all they need....

...that it can't be taken and it can't be given.

Kindergarteners are sometimes cute, sometimes messy, sometimes mean and - some just never do learn to play nice.

So let me say that again....

Sometimes it takes time for us to discover that the source of our power - is us.

And sometimes those who don't know they hold the power within themselves - don't get that they hold the power within themselves.

Sometimes some of us don't get or some of us don't get it right away and we still are operating from that beginning position of trying to take our power by taking others power. Or perhaps we are still waiting for someone to give us our power.

Sometimes we just don't know that we already have all we need....

...that it can't be taken and it can't be given.

Its not necessary for anyone to "fix" us.

And we can't find what we are looking for by trying to control or fix others.

Its when I realized that what I was looking for was within myself that...

I found what I was looking for.

Empowerment is not something that can be given to us by others - or taken by overpowering others.

It comes from realizing that we have the power to create the life we want for ourselves - ourselves.

Completely awed by your brilliance!

Score!

Susan:)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Learning to Love the Journey

2012-01-16T07:00:00.001-06:00

November 24 2011

We must learn how to "be" in order to"do" effectively. Without a clear sense of "self" and"being" in our space and world our "doing" often resemblesa chaotic dance where the task is to catch and correct vs. that place ofconscious creation. ~Susan

In the issues faced by those who hail from a background of family dysfunction - be that dysfunction the extreme control of a dictatorship regime to that of having no clear limits and life is a free for all....we arrive at adulthood without a clear sense of self.

Our dance with life becomes not one where we know and trust our own dreams and desires that guide our purpose and our passion but one of trying to "figure out" what it is that everyone else seems to know that we don't. Its sort of like showing up at the office and everyone else got the memo but we didn't.

In the work of Bessel Van der Kolk and others who are looking at the long term effects of childhood trauma - one of the key components is that survivors grow up without a clear sense of self.

Relationships are volitile. Life is chaotic. A perpetual sense of powerlessness prevails as does a sense of hopelessness for anything to ever be different.

How do I know this?

Because I have lived it.

And learned to live

beyond it.

And what I've discovered is that the place to begin is not that of viewing myself as forever broken but to view myself as fully capable and complete with the inner wisdom to create the life I want for myself.

The secret is not to focus on fixing what is "wrong"...

But to focus on learning how to "be"- and be ok.

To create what I want instead of avoid what I hate.

And in doing so I have discovered that if this is where I begin my days....

That all I do becomes not a validation of my worth...

But an expression of my being.

You can do this.

Yes.

It sucks.

A lot.

Very often.

Yet....

the journey of a thousand miles...

or a lifetime....

begins with taking that first step and doing that again....

over

and over

and over.

The joy comes in learning to love the journey.

Always, always in awe of your amazing courage to keep going when it really really sucks.

Susan

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

No One Could Empower Me - But Me

2012-01-09T06:42:00.000-06:00

Changing how I viewed myself cleared the way for me to change my life

Recently I posted this at the Empowering Solutions Community page on Facebook:

I found an empowering solution in understanding that no onecould "empower" me - but me.

Learning to recognize my dependence onothers to provide me with my answers enabled me to begin to see that the reasonI was still "stuck" was because I was constantly seeking from othersto tell me what was "wrong" with me and then expecting them tosomehow be able to tell me how to "fix" this thing that was"wrong".

When I shifted from this to understanding that being andfeeling empowered was about "learning" - is when I began to feelempowered to create the kind of change that would change my life.

I learnedthat learning about myself and how my life experiences had shaped who I was andhow I engaged with the world and those in it - was very different than seekingfrom someone else to define what was "wrong" with me and thenexpecting them to be able to tell me how to "fix" myself.

I learnedthat empowerment came from learning for myself about myself.

Lesson 1: Understanding that nothing was "wrong" with me

This was a hard shift to make at first.

This for the simple reason that we live in a world where we are taught to see ourselves as imperfect and needing to be "fixed". And - there are plenty of people who know exactly what we need to do to do that fixing.

The solution for me then was not in trying to change the world around me but in learning to change how I viewed myself and the world....

through the eyes of learning rather than fixing.

Know you ARE enough.

When I began to see life as my "teacher" instead of my "problem" ...

I became the student who was "ready". ~ #zebism

In lavish affection and admiration of your magnificence!

Susan

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It only takes one....

2012-01-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

An external focus often feels crazy, blurry and confusing

In traditional self help and therapy the focus was often on avoidance of the people, places and things that stirrednegative emotions for me. I'm sure the intent comes from a desire to educate and inform but in the end - this approach left me still feeling terribly powerless and guarded. I was constantly wondering who I could trust and in the end what I learned is that what it came down to was learning to trust myself.

I recall hearing about interpreting others thoughts,feelings and behaviors instead of understanding my own.

I was taught andlearned how to assume others intentions instead of questioning mine.

I learnedto identify and label others, making value judgements about an individual basedon the label I attached to them.

In the end I realized that this external focus was notso helpful and...

that this served only to keep me on guard andwary of others; constantly questioning others motives and intent.

It was when I realized the power to live beyond the drama ofdysfunction lay not in being able to "read" others intentions andlabel their behavior...

but in learning to understand why I kept returning to it - so that I could learn to live beyond it.

Learning to look within with my questions empowered me to live beyond looking to others for my solutions.

It only takes one to stop the dance.

Uh huh.

It really is that easy. :)

Always in hope and tickled pink to see you blooming the way you are!

Susan

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

I found a new mirror....

2011-12-26T07:00:00.000-06:00

Photo Credit

Our "self" "image" begins from our earliest life experiences, whether we have full recall of those experiences or not.

This is the view we have of ourselves that is "mirrored" back to us and these early experiences shaped our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us.

It is the foundation for how we see ourselves today and is the largest influence on our ability to see ourselves as the creator of our lives - or the perpetual victim of life.

To begin to see myself through a different "mirror" I had to first remove myself from the "mirrors" that told me I was less than, defective, wrong, bad, shameful....

And put myself in front of some mirrors that would reinforce that I was awesome, amazing, articulate, powerful and could create the life I wanted for myself.

The first new mirror?

Me.

Choosing to live beyond the pain and damage of the past began with creating a new "self" image to mirror back to myself.

Then surrounding myself with those who could support the "self" I believed I was...

rather than those who decided who they thought I should be.

Q: What are the thoughts that run through your mind? For me? It was "stupid" (among other things but for simplicity we''ll use this one).

How did I change that part of how I saw myself - my "self image" about my brilliance?

Every time it came up in my mind....

I said - often out loud....

F*** off "dad".

Then - I looked myself in the mirror and told myself that since chaos....

was the beginning of "brilliance"...

then I was a fricking rock star. :-))

Let your light shine - and kick those thoughts to the curb.

How long does this take?

As long as it takes.

The secret?

Was to never

ever

give up.

To keep going, to get back up when I fell...

and each time I did this

the lies I was told from the beginning about how "stupid" I was...

lost their power

and in turn...

I found mine. :)

Yes - you are enough...

You are amazing...

And you really do have what it takes to be all you can be.

Always in total and complete awe of your brilliance!

Susan:)

Creating big change begins with creating small degrees of consistent change over time...Join us early 2012 for Project 360: Turning it around!

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Peace on Earth, Goodwill To All

2011-12-25T11:59:00.000-06:00

Photo Credit

When we as individuals are able to shift from holding the anger and hate of those who were the cause of our wounds is when we will begin to live in a world where there is truly peace on earth and goodwill toward all.

We will begin to heal the world as we learn to heal ourselves.

Somewhere along the way I began to understand that there is a difference between holding those responsible for the way they have hurt me and continuing to blame them for the distress I experience today.

What happened is the past and there was a day I had a thunderbolt...

lightening

bells and

whistles moment....

where I realized that by hanging onto my anger instead of going through the pain

the sadness

the disbelief

the grief

the tears

of what I'd survived...

I was still giving my today

to the those who took my yesterdays.

By continuing to perpetuate the anger

the blaming

the hatred

of those from my past

I was still giving them

my todays.

By continuing to tell the story about what happened to me....

I was avoiding the story about how what happened to me....

affected me.

It was in learning to recognize that in holding onto my justified anger about what happened to me in the past that I became stuck in it.

It was in learning to experience my anger

that I found freedom from it.

And this was the beginning of my learning to live in compassion

for both them

and me.

Keep in mind that forgiving does not mean extending the same credit or opportunity to those who hurt me without remorse.

But - this is where I set myself free from carrying the burden of the past that I carried...

day after day.

Year after year.

And this was the place where I began to understand that as we begin to become the change we want to see in the world

that the world will begin to change.

Healing ourselves

is how the world will heal.

Namaste.

Happy holidays

May today we each understand that forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves and is...

the beginning of peace on earth and goodwill to all.

Always in compassion for your pain - and admiration of your courage.

Susan

Related....

Fighting Forgiveness Is a post about how I made forgiveness make sense in regards to some really senseless experiences.

A Walk in Compassion This is a poem I wrote as I realized the power of compassion for myself and that in choosing to let go of the past - I was creating my future.

Making Peace with My Past A post about how I shifted from denying my past affected me to understanding what it took to heal from it.

Accepting Peace This was part of how I came to understand that in order to heal the world - I had to learn to heal myself. There are several links to other posts about the how behind my journey.

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

This Is Where Well-Being Begins

2011-12-19T07:00:00.001-06:00

November 24 2011
Creating a State of Well Being

Its only a thought and a thought can be changed. ~ Louise Hay

When I first heard things like this I thought "How ridiculous". Healing from trauma is NOT that simple."

And...

Its not....

But it is.

Its not about spending the rest of my life thinking I can't have the life I want because of the past I had.

Its not about avoiding the past...

Forgetting it....

Or dwelling on it.

Learning that we have power over our state of wellness is where well-being begins.

Did you get that?

Learning that we have power over our state of wellness...

Is where well-being

begins.

Its about learning how to make the past make sense in our today and that begins with learning to recognize when my today was about my past.

eh, you say?

Yes.

The journey is not about resolving every incident of my past but about learning to resolve it as it comes up in my today.

Whether my past shows up in flashbacks, ruminations, resentments...

about the past - or the future that will never be BECAUSE of my past...

The change comes not from hanging my hat on that hook...

But in seeing that this is a hook...

And that following it today is giving my now to my past and my future to yesterday.

Learning that I could choose which thoughts to follow...

or not

was key to learning to live beyond the pain...

to learning that I could live free of it

every day.

The past happened.

Rumination is about wishing the past was different.

Its reliving the pain over

and over

and over.

Resentments are about living the emotion of those experiences

over

and over

and over.

Learning to live beyond that meant learning to live today

instead of chronically wishing for a different tomorrow

based on a past that I can't change.

Learning to let go of that?

Meant finally learning to resolve it for myself by going through the pain of what happened to me

the anger

the sadness

the grief

the tears

the wishing and wanting and whining about what someone else did to cause me to be the mess I was today...

To that place where I accept that I cannot change the past

But I no longer have to sacrifice my today

or my tomorrow

to it.

Learning to choose the thoughts I would follow - or to choose to not follow - began with learning that I could choose.

Learning to choose the thoughts I would follow....

or to choose to NOT follow....

began with learning that I could choose.

Heres a link to a site (that I have no affiliation with) where you can learn a simple exercise to put your mind on notice that you are taking over. Practice: 100 Breaths Meditation http://ow.ly/7Wlyr

This

is the

"hard work".

The "work" that no one can do for us.

So - grab your leg warmers and your yoga pants....

Its time to work out:)

You really do have all you need to do your dreams!

No longer a victim, much more than a survivor and living wayyyyyy beyond "survival"!

Yup! Thats how I see you!

Now go do your magnificence and then let me know how your doing it in the comments below:)

Always right there with you!

Susan

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Trusting Me

2011-12-12T07:00:00.000-06:00

Photo Credit

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

― Maya Angelou.

I started to write a longer, wordy post about this quote and - in the end it came down to this for me:

stop trying to make relationships work - that aren't working.

In other words, be true to yourself by believing what you see and experience over what others tell you is real.

When a "friend" keeps making excuses...

uh..umph....excuse me, I mean

reasons

why they

missed your date

didn't call you back

weren't there when they said they would be there...

Or we keep experiencing the same kind of crazy that comes when we are trying to get our emotional needs met in relationships where emotions are not allowed.

Or find ourselves wondering - why does this keep happening to me?

See where I"m going with this one?

Many of us who are SRBT's* or otherwise family dysfunction or craziness often feel responsible to

work things out...

even when it is clearly not working out.

We take on responsibility for making everyone happy, keeping the peace...

not

"rocking the boat"....

often at the very high price of our own sanity as what we experience as hurtful - or even abusive - is denied or in some way minimized.

Its easy for us to believe something is "wrong" with US because SRBT's have often been conditioned in family dysfunction or abuse to believe they are the magical, all powerful*

GOD

who is in charge of keeping everyone happy

even if it means for us to be

miserable.

So today...

try on the idea of

"Be true to yourself"

just once.

Take it for a test drive and see how good it feels to walk away from those situations and relationships that

just

aren't

working.

It was when I stopped believing that when things weren't working was because I wasn't working hard enough...

that I had to figure out how to be

good enough

that I finally understood that I

very simply

was

enough.

You are a rockstar...

don't believe 'em when they try to tell you otherwise - k?

Who's "they"?

Anyone who says you are anything BUT

a Rock Star:)

Here's to ringin' those bells and rockin those boats!

Susan:)

ps....letting go of the hope for things to "work out" is the hardest part....honest:) Once I got past this I understood that it was this hope that held me back from my real hope for a better future.

*SRBT's = Survivors of Really Bad Things (are amazing!)

Please consider liking and sharing:)

Always always in gratitude!

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your (own) Truth!

It's not about finally being "perfect"

2011-12-08T00:30:00.000-06:00

Photo Credit

The journey is not about finally being perfect but about knowing how to be ok in an imperfect world.

You can do this.

Always in amazement of your awesomeness:)

Susan

Beyond Survival

2011-12-05T06:30:00.000-06:00

Coco Beach Oct 30 2011

In "survival" mode I was constantly on guard.

Mybody was tense and often achey.

My mind was racing - analyzing every wordothers spoke, trying to gage their feelings, predict their next action.

Theworld was not that "benevolent" place I was told it was. I'd notexperienced much kindness or compassion. Asking for "help" alwaysended badly as I became puppet to yet one more person who believed if I wouldjust "do what I was told" - then for sure my life and I would be"better". Yet - this just perpetrated that feeling of helplessnessand powerlessness that pervaded my life and being.

It was in learning to listento my own body, recognize when I was "triggered" and that I couldchoose how to respond that I found the power that I'd held all along - but notbeen taught to access when I sought "help" all those years ago - that finally set me free.

Was it easy? No.

Was it worththe effort, the struggle, the pain that comes with all growth?

Absolutely.

What is a "best life"?
Its the life I choose and
create for myself
each day.

You are enough.

You have what it takes.

It is never

ever

too late

to create our

best life.

In awe of your amazing courage,

Susan

Creating change that can change our life begins with creating small degrees of change consistantly. Subscribe here to learn more about Project 360...launching early 2012.

Stop Whining...

2011-11-28T09:20:00.000-06:00

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As a survivor of long term family dysfunction and abuse I learned to live in chronic negativity.

Complaining became the normal mode of communication of my feelings because - to state my own feelings, thoughts, dreams, desires....out loud was not allowed and often resulted in more blaming, shaming and abuse.

Instead of learning to seeing myself as the creator of my life I fell into a an apathetic place of passivity where life happened around me and to me .

It took time and effort to basically "re-program" this negative mindset but it began with learning to recognize this is where I was at and...

that this behavior was normal considering my life experiences.

Acknowledging that this was a normal response to being victimized over and over allowed me to see this as something I could change instead of something that was "wrong" with me.

This in turn allowed me to begin to recognize that I was often feeling powerless, desiring someone to fix whatever I was complaining about yet - feeling ambivelant about others "helping" me...when I'd not directly asked for help.

Yet - when others attempt to offer solutions....

I would often passively make excuses about why I couldn't take their advice or engage in some other avoidance behavior that would get me off the hook and distract the conversation but - helpers don't often "get the message" because I wan't providing a clear and direct statement that might have said "thank you but no thank you"...

and they would instead engage in offering a solution to whatever excuse or reason I'd presented.

Which often felt very

awkward

to say the least.

This was not only confusing to me - but to those around me who were subjected to my chronic complaining and whining about...

this

that

him

her

and whatever else was going on in my life at any given moment.

As I traveled this path, being mindfully aware of my thoughts and feelings I came to understand that I was trying to communicate how I was feeling in the only way I knew how but others would interpret that as "whining" - which it was.

It was my childlike way of trying to get my needs met and...

it was a normal response for me considering my life experiences but...

it was not serving me well at all

and was often the source of much conflict and drama in my relationships and life in general.

I began to empower myself to live beyond this place of passivity and perpetual victimhood when I began to recognize this behavior in myself and in those around me.

Then I was able to also begin to find my voice and my personal power to shape and create my better life.

With knowing how to recognize the behaviors in myself that were not so helpful and acknowledge that they were not "character defects" or some mysterious "disease" or "disorder"...

I finally began to see myself as...

complete

whole...

and capable

to create my

best life

instead of being a perpetual victim

of life.

Here's to you and your own inner wisdom.

You (definitely!)

are more than

enough:)

In chronic, obsessive and completely irritating...

hope. :)

Love,

Susan:)

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please consider liking, sharing and subscribing:)

I Had to Get Real About the Holidays That Were Not Often Happy and Some Tips to Deal When You'd Rather Not

2011-11-24T07:24:00.001-06:00

Making New Traditions:)

For years I'd tried to figure outhow to survive the holidays with my dysfunctional family. In the end I realizedthat it wasn't about surviving but learning how to live beyond it by creating anew tradition - for myself.

Holidays are one of those things thatI did for years even though they were ~~never~~ not often anything to celebrate. My bodywould tell me it was that time of year again as my muscles tensed, I wouldstart to shut down and be unable to function. I'd start feeling irritable,lashing out at those around me. Many days I'd not be able to get out of bed asthe days on the calendar slipped from summer to fall and finally halloweenmarked the beginning of the worst time of year for me.

I slipped further and further downas I knew what was waiting for me at our "family" get togethers.Finally I made a choice for myself to not go.

It was hard. But for me the onlyoption as my family refused to respect my new boundaries and continued to shameme, make me the brunt of their jokes and cruelty. They would often tell me thatI deserved to feel bad because I was such a worthless person and had not mettheir expectations, that I was the cause of their anger at me and if I was justsomehow "different" - then they wouldn't be mad and would love me.

I was constantly reminded that Iwas not "enough" and could never be "enough" to win theiracceptance and love. I was often reminded throughout the year that I was notgood enough for them to want a relationship with me. That I should be gratefulthey even spoke to me at all.

So for me - as over the years Inoticed this same pattern in my life and my dread for what the world touted asa happy time - I decided to create some new traditions for myself. I started declining invitations tothese family get togethers.

I didn't explain myself to thembecause that gave them power to again question my decisions and tell mesomething was wrong with me for not wanting to spend the holidays with them.And in the end they did that anyway - but I no longer felt the obligation toapologize and try to fix it.

This year will be my second yearof my new Thanksgiving tradition where I volunteer at a local charity.

And I don't want to leave you withthe impression that making this decision for myself came easily - or quickly.

It in fact came at a very highprice as I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to be goodenough.

That my family would never love mejust because I was me.

That they would never celebrate myaccomplishments; that I could never share my joy or my sadness with them andknow that I would be heard or cared for in this way.

That there would be no Hallmarkcard moments, no sense of belonging, no laughter, eggnog or picturesque momentsaround the table or joyful trimming of the Christmas tree the day after.

Making this decision took time asI moved myself from the magical thinking of childhood to the harsh reality ofmy life with my family. This was moving from where I could somehow make itbetter if I was "better" - or just different -to the reality thatwhile my family may not recognize their behavior as abusive – they are stillresponsible for their behavior. I had to realize there is nothing I could haveever done in my lifetime that would ever justify this kind of ongoing abuse andthere is nothing I can do to make them stop it.

I had to grieve the family I neverhad...

The family I had always hoped to haveand mostly...

I had to let go of the idea thatthere was anything I could have done or could do in the future to make it anydifferent.

Realty sucks - but not nearly asbad as the reality of what I had lived for a lifetime believing I"had" to spend the holidays with a family that that served me up asthe main course.

So this wasn't an easy thing to do. I still feel angry at the way my family treated me. I still sometimes wonder if I couldn't have somehow worked it out with them. I still feel sad over the realization that there was nothing I could do to "work it out" and that to be a part of their lives meant I had to sacrifice myself, my sense of well being and self worth.

You are not alone. It is not your fault;you are doing nothing wrong and whatever way YOU decide to handle yourdysfunctional family, to go or stay away - its ok.

Here’s an article with some good tips by Doctor, Author, Coach Lissa Rankin about learning to say “no” and claiming our power to set our own limits.

Heres to making new traditions be it serving others, taking a vacation to a new place, hanging with new friends...:)

In admiration of your courage tokeep going when it gets so damned tough.

Susan

Related reading:

How do I love thee... This post is about learning to respect ours and others boundaries - seeing them as the defining line to a valid sense of "self" and healthy, interdependent relationships.

I am now "enough" Learning to see myself as all I needed to be "ok".

This is how we do it....the "hard work" The title speaks for itself:) Its not rocket science either:) Hard work yes. But not rocket science.

Whoops! I did it again! This post speaks to how I used creativity to connect with myself and heal my own wounds.

Express yourself! This is another version of my post above (Whoops!) that I did as a guest at Heal My PTSD.

How do we get "there" when here sucks so bad?

By putting one foot in front of the other.

There is ALWAYS a solution:)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

The thing I've noticed...

2011-11-21T18:44:00.000-06:00

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There seemed to be two main issues that I faced in the journey.

One is an unconscious sense of powerlessness that is often where I felt incapable to resolve my own life issues all the while feeling responsible for resolving or "helping" others to resolve their life issues.

And - often I felt as though no matter what I did I was doing it wrong and this feeling of "wrongness" was often validated by those who were unconsciously working out their own issues by trying to "help" me work out my own.

The key for me to learn to live beyond this complex dynamic was to first learn to see it in myself and in those around me - without judgement.

This freed me to begin to see that I wasn't so "wrong", was not responsible for others and had complete power to create the "me" and the life I wanted for myself.

Yes...its true....

You really are enough:)

In hope love and joy,

Susan

From the archives at Blog Talk Radio: Shamash Alidina on using the RAIN Formula to Deal with Difficult Emotions

2011-11-18T07:29:00.000-06:00

In perusing the archives over at Blog Talk Radio I rediscovered an interview I did last year with Author Shamash Alidina and wanted to re-share it for those who may not have found their way to our program page.

In this discussion Shamash shares from his book "Mindfulness for Dummies" the practice of learning to cultivate the skill of mindful awareness to get through moments of emotional distress.

Listen to internet radio with Heal My PTSD on Blog Talk Radio

Thank you for reading, following, liking and sharing:)

Q: Did you find anything helpful in this program?

Always,

Susan:)

Seek Wisdom, find Knowledge....Live your Truth!

"Turn Left Here"

2011-11-14T07:30:00.000-06:00

The Journey
by Susan 2010

Recently at the Empowering Solutions Community page at Facebook...

When the past takes over today's conversations...that's a clue 1. It's not been resolved and 2. That I'm ready to do the "hard work". I discovered an empowering solution in letting go of the idea that something was "wrong" with me and learning to use "triggers" as a signpost telling me I am nearing my destination. It's as if these life events are telling me "turn left here" to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

You can join us there by clicking here:)

In appreciation that you share the journey with me,

SusanKs :)

When

2011-11-07T20:19:00.000-06:00

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When I believed I was worthless I did not value others ormyself.

When I believed I was to blame for the past that haunted me I could not envision embracing my future.

When I believed I was powerless I was forever alone.

When I believed the world was only dark – I could not find mylight.

When I believed I was broken I believed I could not berepaired.

When I believed I was diseased I believed I could never bewell.

When I believed I was "disordered" from the inside out I believed I was defective, rotted and spoiled from the deepest core of my being.

And when I began to believe in me...

I began to believe I could fly.

And when I began to believe I could fly...

Is when I began to find my wings.

You are

enough.

Only I Held the Power

2011-11-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

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When I shifted into learning instead of "fixing" what was "wrong" with me, I understood that I and only I held the power to change me or my life. ~SusanKs

When I Woke Up

2011-10-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

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When I "woke up" from a lifetime of learning to forget and deny the abuse I realized just how much I had to learn in order to live "whole".

Learning to define my "self", establish my own and respect others healthy boundaries, understanding the difference between helping and enabling...all are parts of the whole picture of a whole self that lives in connection with others vs. dependent on others.

This is the balance we find in the extremes where we "need" others to be ok and we don't need anyone to be ok.

Understanding that the journey was about learning how to live by learning to live beyond the past helped me to begin to learn to see that I and no one else could do this for me.

Yes.

You can.

Baby steps:)

In admiration for your amazing courage,

Susan

Letting Go of the Hope

2011-10-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

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One of the hardest parts of the healing journey is learning to let go of relationships that we hold so much hope for.

I'd spent a lifetime struggling to do things "right enough" to finally be "good enough" that others would accept me...that they would finally love me for who I was. That I would have a place to belong. A place where I felt wanted. A family...THE family or friends - that I'd never had but always dreamed of and hoped for.

I just knew that there was something that I'd done to cause them to not love or want me. If I was prettier. Smarter. When I bought my first house...got a better job. Bought them the right gift, sent them the best card.

I held onto the hope that if I could just try harder that things would change.

And sometimes they did.

For a minute.

Learning to let go of the hope and wish that I could somehow change myself that others would love or accept me was almost as hard as actually letting those relationships go. I wanted desperately to "make things work" and it was only when I let this idea go that things began to work - for me.

You.are.enough.

The Journey...

2011-10-20T10:10:00.001-05:00

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The journey is about learning most often; learning the things that are often not learned in abuse, oppression and family dysfunction where the general rule is often don't think for yourself, don't feel, don't speak about what our reality is.

We might begin by learning to feel feelings that have been denied or even punished in the original drama and trauma.

Learning to live in a body that may not have always been your own.

Learning to remember and be ok.

Learning to let go of the anger and hatred so we can can begin to live in love and acceptance of ourselves and others.

Learning is the beginning of discovering the knowledge that can become the truth that will set us free.

In love and gratitude for sharing the journey,

Susan

Language to live by 2

2011-10-17T07:30:00.000-05:00

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Recently at Empowering Solutions Community page....

Learning to listen to my language helped me to learn to help myself by creating an internal sense of empowerment vs the helplessness that came with viewing the world though the eyes of the victim that I was - but was no longer. Using words like "will" instead of "should" or "won't" instead of "can't" or "helpful or unhelpful" vs bad or wrong became an empowering solution as I began to see options that had otherwise been hidden in my language.

I'd like to invite you to drop by and give a "like" to the Empowering Solutions Community page. You can go there by clicking here:)

Language to Live by

2011-10-10T10:59:00.000-05:00

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Recently at the Empowering Solutions Community page....

Life is not either/or, black/white, all/nothing. Learning to see things as helpful/not helpful vs all good/all bad helped me to heal. I found an empowering solution in understanding that the language I used could help me feel empowered or perpetuate that sense powerlessness where I felt stuck and frozen. Using my words helped me to create the power that would empower me to create the change that changed my life.

You can join the ES community page by giving us a "Like" here....

Trauma is trauma and healing is healing; learning to create my "best life"

2011-10-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

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From the Empowering Solutions Community page recently....

Trauma is trauma. It's our stories that are unique. Thus, believing my trauma was worse than or less than someone else's left me hopeless for healing. I found an empowering solution in learning to let go of the details that kept me stuck and using them to find my solution in the emotional healing process of shifting from that rumination where I was the perpetual victim to resolution where I became my own hero.

The similarities of our experiences is how we find support and validation...in the sharing of our stories.

But when I was stuck in only telling my story over and over

and over

to others who were simply telling their stories over and over

and over...

I was stuck in my pain and the "symptoms" of the normal emotional and cognitive/mental distress that comes with being a

trauma survivor.

I had sought "therapy" for many many years only to be told that my trauma experiences were so devastating, so extensive, so ingrained into my person that I would never

ever

find healing.

It was when I was able to understand that there was indeed a normal human emotional healing process that was applicable to every single one of my trauma experiences. And while I understood that I would not be who I might have been had I not been traumatized, violated, manipulated, oppressed and abused...

But

I could be

all I can be today and tomorrow...

and I began to understand that as things came up for me in my healing journey

it was not necessary to heal it

all

at the same time....

But the task was to know how to heal

at all.

It was in the going through

that I finally got out of

the pain

the darkness

the misery

that was surviving.

I wanted more.

I wanted to live

and I finally understood that it is

never

never

too late.

I discovered that it is completely possible to learn to no longer be that perpetual victim of life

but that I could learn to create

my best life.

From the archives....

There is only one hero.... and its you:)

Be Your Own Hero An excerpt..."I can never become what I was meant to be when I am looking for what might have been."

Please sit with me and listen "The key is to tell not to those who are naysayers or those who have all the answers. But to sit with one who can sit with both our anger and our joy."

When the student is ready... The gist of this one..."This is that place where I was the student that was ready - and willing to take the action - and my teacher always came."

In love and admiration for your determination to no longer be a victim, live far beyond survival and discover your own

best life. :)

SusanKs

You can join us at the Empowering Solutions Community page for daily bites of brilliance for the journey by clicking here:)

I began to understand that it was all about me - not you or them....I was the "perfect victim"

2011-09-30T07:00:00.000-05:00

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A note from the Empowering Solutions Community page on Facebook last week....

I kept getting stuck in abusive relationships and thought I had some sign on my back that said "kick me". So I worked really hard to try to "see" abuse in others to protect myself. But - what I found - is when I learned to understand why I was the "perfect victim" - I also learned to not only identify abusive persons (male or female/intimate/family/friends) but I learned to understand why it was so hard to "see" it playing out in my life and relationships. I also began to learn how to identify and engage in healthier relationships. Today I no longer feel like I have to live in chronic "hypervigelance" and bit by bit I am able to identify unhealthy relationships and make an exit before I get enmeshed and stuck in it again. At the same time - I'm discovering safe relationships that are based on equality and respect where I can finally feel safe vs that chronic state of "on guard" and that never ending dance-of-dysfunction.

Learning to live beyond that place where I saw everyone as the next potential abuser freed me up to first, see that I was not so powerless after all...

And second...

Understand that its pretty darn hard to see "healthy" when all I'm looking for is UNhealthy.

I had to change my focus from what I hated...

to what I wanted.

to get where I wanted to go.

Learning to see what it was about me and how my past life experiences had shaped me to become the "perfect victim" empowered me to...

no longer be a victim.

Understanding and "seeking" what it was about me that I'd learned when I'd learned to tolerate t...he intolerable

enabled me to understand why and how I continued to perpetrate the abusive relationships in my life and

empowered me to begin to create my

best life.

From the archives on "relationships"...

Sometimes...

Ambivalence as a survival skill

Back to basics....when life gets messy

Black and White...the Zebra Effect

"12 Things" on Empowering Solutions at Blog Talk Radio...

Listen to internet radio with Heal My PTSD on Blog Talk Radio

Join us at the Empowering Solutions Community here. :)

Turning The Light On

2011-09-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

And Then There Was Light
March 2010 by SusanKs

Learning to see, understand and accept the world on its terms meant learning to

see,

understand

and

accept when I wasn't.

Eh?

Along the way one of the things that was core and foundational to my transformation from that...

perpetual victim

to

the powerhouse I am today :)

began with...

Here it comes....

Wait....

Wait...

Its really simple...

but it is definitely not

easy.

Here it is....

Almost there....

Ready?

The lightbulb began to glow dimly when I

began to choose

Awareness.

Instead of

Avoidance.

Yup.

Awareness.

No.....

Not of what everyone else was doing wrong and that pissed me off

or hurt me, scared me and sent me running

with my tail between my legs

finding comfort in my weakness...

I can't...

But they...

But its....

so

HARRRRRDDDDD.

Yup.

That was me.

Just a few short years ago.

And it began to change

when I began to change.

Awareness.

Its the beginning of

the end

of the nightmare.

Its where I began to discover that I held the power to create the change

that would ultimately

change my life.

Learning To Let Life Unfold Naturally

2011-09-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

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From the Empowering Solutions Facebook Community page recently....

As a survivor of really bad things, change was something that easily could put me off center and feeling discombobulated. I would fight it and struggle to maintain my current state of existence. One of the problems with this though was that it often brought a lot of drama and conflict to my life and relationships as in my fear of change I tried to control people places and things that I really had no control over. I found an empowering solution in learning to recognize this and in doing so I saw that I could begin to relax, release control and allow life to unfold naturally.

Join the Facebook Empowering Solutions Community and receive my daily bite size notes about the healing journey in your FB stream....click here to "like" the ES community:)

Enjoy creating your own "best day" each and every day!

Thank you for sharing the journey!

A Tale of Two Wolves

2011-09-19T10:21:00.002-05:00

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Recently a friend on Facebook (thank you Sara! :)) shared this ancient tale of wisdom and I wanted to share it with you today...

An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth." The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."

What we focus on is what we are experiencing in our lives.

What are you focused on today?

Reliving your pain?

Or fueling your future?

It is possible to shift from the telling and retelling of the story...

To using the story to find healing...

And make peace with the past.

From the archives...

"story"? Or "Story"?

And here's the Empowering Solutions radio program on "story" and using it to shift from the pain and prison of rumination to the peace and freedom of resolution. Click here to go there:)

I Held the Keys to My Freedom

Anger and Acceptance

Making Peace With the Past

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It's In The Struggle Where We Find Our Strength

2011-09-15T10:35:00.001-05:00

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

Moral of the story?

It is only by going through the struggle we find freedom from the pain that cripples us and discover that we can fly.

I Believed

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Source for the story of the butterfly here.

Inspiration.....Return To Innocence

2011-09-13T09:54:00.001-05:00

A friend and member of the Empowering Solutions Community on Facebook shared this with me today....and I wanted to share it with you.

Love (Love, Love)
Devotion (Devotion, Devotion)
Feeling (Feeling. Feeling)
Emotion (Emotion, Emotion)

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
~

It is never too late...

to create your best life.

Return to you to find your light...

Follow your passion

To discover your purpose...

And there is where we can make sense of that which makes no sense.

With love,

SusanKs

Lyrics from sing365

Karma? Or Religion? Or Abuse?

2011-09-12T09:11:00.026-05:00

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~ Wayne Dyer

I read a variety of authors and genres. One is Dr. Wayne Dyer who has some really good ideas...

Although...

I can't say I agree with everything that anyone else writes - but then...

That’s part of being an independent thinker...

The ability to take in information and make ones own decisions and construct ones own meaning without having to resort to black and white thinking to support their own choices. (Deep shit, eh?)

But as good stuff goes...

This particular quote has a lot of meaning to me because…

The idea that somehow we caused our abuse/trauma or...

its payback for something we did in a past life or...

that we were somehow not good enough to not be abused/hurt/traumatized….

Or we have displeased god - however "god" looks for you...

Is just not cool.

And while I have my own faith and cosmic level of consciousness

I don't often see the human constructs of religion as helpful...

Especially when it requires someone who has been through life’s ringer and coming out the other side all f*****d up to carry the burden of the abuse or trauma experience.

So when I found this version and view of Karma and cosmic accountability I find empowering vs defeating …

And I just wanted to share it with you :)

Peace

Namaste

Bless you

and

Carry on:)

Visit Darlene Ouimets blog Emerging From Broken to read up a bit more on learning to recognize and combat the damaging messages we get from those who use religion to oppress and abuse by clicking here.

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Changing My View Changed My World

2011-09-05T10:22:00.015-05:00

Understanding that my outside world was a reflection of my inside world empowered me to begin to see how by changing my inside world that I could change my outside world.

I used to wonder how I was supposed to handle all the crap life threw at me.

Abuse and neglect from an early age left a very bad taste in my mouth about life in general.

When others would look at the world and see sunshine and lollipops all I saw was

shit.

Life was dark. I was dark. I didn't give a damn and believed that no one gave a damn about me.

Until

I discovered and came to understand that the purpose of my journey was not to make my life, my circumstance and the people who shared my space

perfect.

Not at all.

In fact what I discovered is that there is no such thing as perfect and that as long as I was trying to be perfect

I was being far from perfect.

It was when I realized that my job was not to shape my circumstances to make me feel ok

but to learn to accept my circumstances and then

I would be

ok.

My circumstances may not change but the way I experience them can change me.

My world changed when I changed my view of the world

and the story I told myself about it.

Listen or download Empowering Solutions on Blog Talk Radio: "story" or "Story"; From Rumination To Resolution by clicking here.

From the Archives:

The original post "story" or "Story" and Natasha Bedingfield "You are Unwritten"

I Held the Key To My Freedom

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Going Through To Get Out Of...

2011-09-03T11:16:00.000-05:00

When I began to use "symptoms" of distress to guide my healing journey is when I finally began to heal. By beginning to use over reacting or shutting down as indicators of emotional healing to be done I was finally able to go through the pain to get past it. I was able to stop the bleeding vs just changing the band aids that came with managing, coping and surviving one day to the next. I began to see the light instead of living in the darkness that had consumed me for years. ~SusanKs

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Creating My Best Life; Emotional Awareness

2011-08-29T06:04:00.008-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Recently on the Empowering Solutions Community page I'd posted this: "Avoiding my emotions created a teapot effect where I would blow up or boil dry. ~SusanKs".

The way I described myself in the past was as having 2 emotions; angry to the point of rage and sadness/depression that would debilitate me. In between I lived in a state of numbness where I didn't feel anything.

Emotional extremes and swings from one extreme to the other was my normal until I understood that I could learn to connect with my body and my physical responses to my life experiences aka my emotions and...

...that there was a full range of emotional experiences not just the highs and lows I was accustomed to.

I'd like to invite you to join me at the ES Community page. Give us a "Like" and recieve the daily updates, notes and discussions in your own FB Newsfeed.

Connect with us there by clicking here. :)

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I Was Looking for Happy....In All the Wrong Places

2011-08-21T10:05:00.000-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

I remember being asked...

"So when will you be happy?" by those who seemed to have some secret that I didn't know about. My life was miserable. My relationships were often full of strife, my job was never the right job, my boss never the right boss, my hair, my weight, my car, clothes....

Were never just "enough".

I used to strive to be more, have more, do more. My value, my worth and my happiness were determined by people places and things that I could have, be or do.

The thing was - my focus on doing and having really didn't have much effect on my state of being and being happy.

I was happy for a minute if all worked out the way I thought it should work out.

Likewise if there were any snafu's I was not so happy and often sad or angry but not often truly "happy" but for a minute or two - when all was sparkly shiny and new.

Learning to understand that my state of well being was dependent on things outside of myself motivated me to search for the answers to being happy when the people places and things outside of my physical person didn't dance to my tune the way I thought they should.

I sought and I found that in letting go of the outcomes I usually got the outcome that I wanted.

Learning to let life unfold naturally meant learning to recognize when I was seeking my happiness in all the wrong places....

And that when I stopped looking...under the rocks, at the mall, the car dealership, the mortgage company or the boyfriend, husband, kids...

I found it in myself. :)
~

Happiness is (Not Always) A Choice Read here about how by understanding the source of my pain I was able to finally let go of it :)

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This Week on Empowering Solutions Thursday August 18th 2pm EST

2011-08-17T10:27:00.001-05:00

Lets talk about "self"; self love, self confidence, self acceptance....and whats that got to do with healing from an abusive past? What is it about "self care" that we seem to always put on the bottom of the list? And - how is this an empowering solution?

Join Darlene Ouimet of www.emergingfrombroken.com and Susan Kingsley-Smith this Thursday at 2pm EST at Empowering Solutions on BTR!

Follow this link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empoweringsolutions/2011/08/18/breaking-free-from-broken-with-susan-darlene

Empowering Solutions - every 1st and 3rd Thursday at 2pm EST (USA)

www.blogtalkradio.com/empoweringsolutions

Join us at the Empowering Solutions Community page here!

Creator of My Life

2011-08-14T00:01:00.000-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

When I was encouraged to and did identify my normal emotional response to abnormal life experiences as an illness I believed something was wrong with me instead of with my life experiences or dysfunctional relationships.

This denied the reality of the source of my pain and caused me to become stuck in managing symptoms instead of going through the normal emotions of acknowledging what I survived and learning how to cultivate healthy relationships.

Shifting away from a paradigm of "illness" empowered me to begin to see that what I was lacking in emotional resiliancy and healthy interpersonal relationships - I could learn.

It shifted me from being an enabled victim to an empowered creator of my life.

Emotional and Psychological distress is real but treating it as an illness or as symptoms to be managed left me powerless to learn to live beyond it and left me dependent on coping and managing instead of creating and living the life I wanted for myself.
~

Did you miss the live broadcast? Listen to the archives of the most recent Empowering Solutions program at Blog Talk Radio....Christina Enevoldsen and I talk about how we came to understand that were were not the problem but how we could be our own solution. Click here to download or listen!

From the Archives...

Claiming A New Paradigm For Myself Part 2

This Became My Truth

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Getting Unstuck Sometimes Requires Rocking the Boat

2011-08-07T08:22:00.003-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Creating My Best Life:)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011 7:29 AM

From a recent post at the Empowering Solutions Facebook Community page....

Feeling the anger at being violated and having that anger heard can lead to the grief that offers the soothing balm of the tears that allow our emotional wounds to heal. Denying our anger or sharing our pain with those who cannot separate their own issues from ours serves to keep us stuck and unable to move into, through and out of our pain. ~Susan Ks 2011

Getting unstuck sometimes requires rocking the boat. When we are not finding relief from our pain we can take a look at what we are doing with it.

Becoming mired in "doing" the work or doing it "right", following someones "model" or therapeutic theory, accepting unsolicited advice from well intentioned but unenlightened folks who are still working out their own pain by fixing and rescuing others....

serves very simply and quite often as busy work that allows us to deny our feelings of anxiety and distress allowing us to put off doing the "hard work" of emotional healing.

Learning to identify "stuck" as a signpost of denial or bargaining where we are still looking for someone to...

"rescue" or "fix" us...

tell us what to do or what we are doing wrong....

can create the momentum that will allow us to move into, through and out of that place of stuck.

Emotional healing requires making that shift from "doing" to that place of "being" where we connect with and engage in emotional healing.

The only way out...

is through.

Trusting the process requires trusting myself.

We all hold the light and the wisdom.

It was when I stopped trying to find it in others that I found it in myself.

Read about what that was like for me here.

~

From the archives...

This is How We Do It...The "Hard Work"

Pain Is Pain

Intellect and Insight

"story"? Or "Story"?

~

Happiness Is (Not Always) A Choice

2011-08-05T07:58:00.003-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Photo Credit

One of the things that I hear from survivors around the world is how the "positivity" movement neglects to take into account the reality of the traumatic experience.

Its as though somehow magically if we paste a smile on our faces and do the infamous "fake it till you make it" thing that our pain and distress will just....

poof!

Disappear.

And to those well intentioned folks who continue to tout the idea that the past has no impact on today I'm going to respectfully say...

Not.

Over at Emerging From Broken trauma survivor and Coach Darlene Ouimet has posted yet another article on learning to live beyond broken and how happiness for someone who has been given the burden to make everyone else happy by discounting their own pain - is really not a choice.

Read up on this post here at Darlenes Blog....

It is only by understanding the source of our pain that we are often able to let go of it.

The benefit of this is that we can finally begin to see that we truly do hold the power over our own lives - but only after we give responsibility for others lives and happiness back to them.
~

From the archives...

Being Positive vs Being Pollyanna and Part 2 here is a guest post by Danni of Positively Present that discusses the difference between positivity that denies reality and that which honors it.

2011-08-03T11:32:00.016-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

A quick note today to bring y'all :) up to speed with the happenings over at Empowering Solutions on Blog Talk Radio this month on August 4th and 18th....

This Thursday August 4th 2pm EST (USA)

Guest: Christina Enevoldsen from overcomingsexualabuse.com

Our topic: Survivors of childhood oppression/abuse/neglect often find themselves in abusive relationships in adulthood. A false method of “empowerment” is to accept the blame for the abuse. The truth is that we are empowered to stop the abusive cycle, but only by realizing that though we aren’t the problem, we are the solution. Coming up this week on Empowering Solutions we’ll be talking with Christina Enevoldsen, Co-Founder of the online resource overcomingsexualabuse.com and would like to invite you to join us this Thursday, August 4^th at 2pm EST at Empowering Solutions on BTR!

Tune in again on August 18th at 2pm EST

Topic: Breaking Free from Broken!

Join myself and Darlene Ouimet from Emerging From Broken as we continue to discuss the issues connected to learning to recognize and overcome the many subtle issues faced by many who are seeking to discover how they too can emerge from - and live WAY beyond - that place of broken!

PS....

Have you joined the ES community at Facebook? Click here to get there!

PPSS...

Have you signed up for stuff? (drop your email in the box at the top left of this post!)

May you have a most wonderful time creating your own "best life" this week!

Click here to get to the show at BTR this Thursday at 2pm EST!

Creator? Or Constant Victim? Yeah...I was done with that!

2011-08-01T00:01:00.005-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Victim? Rescuer? Perpetrator or Troublemaker?

We all play these roles at different times and sometimes in the same situation.

Learning to recognize this is how I learned to change it.

The benefit was that learning this helped me to learn how to cultivate healthy vs dependent relationships.

This empowered me to begin to stop recreating the pattern of abuse in my life that left me feeling powerless over my own life yet feeling responsible for everyone else's life.

On top of that this knowledge helped me to feel more confident about life and the world in general.

Why?

Because I was now in creator of my best life vs. a constant victim of life. :)

~

Psssst!

Keep your eyes open! Things are a growing and changing here in my world and I've got some irons in the fire!

What? You say?

Yes; well, I don't want to give too much away but this year you can expect some stuff!

So - if you haven't yet signed up for stuff...

You can do so in the form at the top left of the page where it says...

SEND ME STUFF!

With love and appreciation for sharing the journey,

Susan Ks.

There is Only One Hero: And its You

2011-07-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

There are some things I AM powerless over but one of those things...is NOT me.

One of - if not THE key issue for survivors of childhood oppression, abuse and neglect is that of feeling powerless.

But for me - I didn't know I felt powerless AND I'd been told by well meaning, albeit unhelpful, folks and programs of the past that I was powerless...

to let go...

let god...

and wish, pray and hope that life just kind of worked itself out and...

that there was nothing I could do.

That I was simply an observer and had to stop trying to "control" things.

The thing is and was that this never helped me to escape the pain that drove my misery.

Accepting being mistreated is not acceptable.

Accepting a life of "less than"...

is not acceptable.

In this frame of mind - that I was powerless over my life and the things that left me feeling abused, unhappy and generally discontent and

miserable

I was stuck.

After all - if I am powerless...what is there for me to do?

If I cant "make" others treat me well and life be fair...

well, what the hell?

This was that place where my focus was on what was going on AROUND ME...

instead of what was going on within me.

It was in understanding the difference between what I was truly powerless over...

People, places and things outside of myself

And what I DID have power over....

My beliefs, thoughts, feelings, emotions and choices...

that enabled me to shift from feeling powerless to understanding the meaning of...

being empowered....

from the inside out.

From the Archives

Be Your Own Hero

Have to's, Shoulds and Can'ts....I felt Powerless

I Held the Key to My Freedom

"story"? Or "Story"?

The Power Within

I. Am. Not. Powerless.

“Sometimes we get stuck focusing on the maltreatment and wanting what’s fair before we move on. Waiting for justice distracts us from doing things that are beneficial to us--like healing. We can’t change what already happened, but we can change the way we respond to those things. The abuse taught us to think like a victim waiting for rescue, but as adults, we’re empowered to rescue ourselves.” ~Christina Enevoldsen from www.overcomingsexualabuse.com

Photo Credit

Friday Follow Ups and Back to Basics!

2011-07-22T00:01:00.070-05:00

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Today I wanted to get back to basics...in my Blogging, my advocacy, my writing, my purpose and my passion.

Wha a?

The past couple of weeks my time and attention has been split....pretty thin.

Here's a few things I've been contributing to and working on....

Last week I was Guest Blogger at Emerging From Broken where...

I shared parts of my story in more depth and detail than I ever have in the past. Ever. Anywhere.

Whats it about?

Learning to identify how I finally came to understand what it meant and means to have my "self" suffocated and my body and being used as an object to serve others.

And - how in this process I also discovered the path to freedom and made that shift from coping, managing and surviving to...

Living.

My best life.

Ever. :)

Check it out here.

What else have I been up to?

Well....I got kind of involved in a little Petition to New York Times that has turned into kind of a big deal as in less than 5 days we've garnered almost 80% of our initial goal from supporters and comments from around the world.

You can check it out and read the petition and the comments here.

Some of the comments...wow. Just wow.

Check it out at the link above and if this is an issue you can get on board with, leave your signature there then...

Join us at the new Community Group for this Petition to the NYT by clicking here. This will be sort of like our Ground Zero as we continue to keep folks informed and involved in this groundbreaking endeavor.

What else?

Every day there are some great conversations going on at the Empowering Solutions Community page at Facebook. Every day I post and share on a variety of issues and topics faced by SRBT (survivors of really bad things:))

Drop by and give us a "like" so you can recieve the daily notes on your own FB wall:)

Any more?

Well, I did recently set up a twitter account for just the ES stuff....

You can follow me on twitter by going here: www.twitter.com/susan_ks

And?

I finally mastered the technology to put an email sign up form here on A Journey!

Now - if you are interested for me to send you STUFF...:)

All you have to do is drop your email in the box up top that says...

SEND ME STUFF!

(This is different than your reading subscription, k? :))

I'm pretty sure theres something else....

Oh yeah!

I got overambitious and thought about expanding ES to 4 times a month...

(and actually announced that I was doing this not-so-well-thought-out-thing :-/

doh!

and then had some (very wise:)) second thoughts....

Empowering Solutions on BTR will maintain at twice monthly...

the 1st and 3rd Thursdays

at 2pm EST (USA)....

for now anyway:)

Coming up in August!

August 4th - Christina Enveldson, Founder of www.overcomingsexualabuse.com

August 18th - Breaking Free from Broken with Darlene Ouimet of www.emergingfrombroken.com

Ok then.

Guess I have been a little busy:)

I think I'll take a break and see what comes up next:)

Thanks for sharing the journey!

Susan_Ks:)

The past no longer has to steal our todays and destroy our tomorrows:) If you are looking for information and resources to learn how to learn to live beyond broken....

Welcome. Thats what we do. :)

Sharing the light, the hope and the journey:)

Stay tuned!

A Journey...

Whats the Diff? How To Tell an Average Therapist from a Great Therapist

Some just don't play nice

Empowerment is not something that can be given to us by others - or taken by overpowering others. It comes from realizing that we have the power to create the life we want for ourselves - ourselves. ~Susan

Uh huh...

You. Me. The whole bunch of us.

And the problem lies in that those who keep trying to discover their power by overpowering others is the same as for those who think someone else has to give them their power.

They just don't know that they already have all they need....

...that it can't be taken and it can't be given.

Kindergarteners are sometimes cute, sometimes messy, sometimes mean and - some just never do learn to play nice.

So let me say that again....

Sometimes it takes time for us to discover that the source of our power - is us.

And sometimes those who don't know they hold the power within themselves - don't get that they hold the power within themselves.

Sometimes some of us don't get or some of us don't get it right away and we still are operating from that beginning position of trying to take our power by taking others power. Or perhaps we are still waiting for someone to give us our power.

Sometimes we just don't know that we already have all we need....

...that it can't be taken and it can't be given.

Its not necessary for anyone to "fix" us.

And we can't find what we are looking for by trying to control or fix others.

Its when I realized that what I was looking for was within myself that...

I found what I was looking for.

Empowerment is not something that can be given to us by others - or taken by overpowering others.

It comes from realizing that we have the power to create the life we want for ourselves - ourselves.

Completely awed by your brilliance!

Score!

Susan:)

Learning to Love the Journey

No One Could Empower Me - But Me

It only takes one....

I found a new mirror....

Peace on Earth, Goodwill To All

This Is Where Well-Being Begins

Trusting Me

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

― Maya Angelou.

I started to write a longer, wordy post about this quote and - in the end it came down to this for me:

stop trying to make relationships work - that aren't working.

In other words, be true to yourself by believing what you see and experience over what others tell you is real.

When a "friend" keeps making excuses...

uh..umph....excuse me, I mean

reasons

why they

missed your date

didn't call you back

weren't there when they said they would be there...

Or we keep experiencing the same kind of crazy that comes when we are trying to get our emotional needs met in relationships where emotions are not allowed.

Or find ourselves wondering - why does this keep happening to me?

See where I"m going with this one?

Many of us who are SRBT's* or otherwise family dysfunction or craziness often feel responsible to

work things out...

even when it is clearly not working out.

We take on responsibility for making everyone happy, keeping the peace...

not

"rocking the boat"....

often at the very high price of our own sanity as what we experience as hurtful - or even abusive - is denied or in some way minimized.

Its easy for us to believe something is "wrong" with US because SRBT's* have often been conditioned in family dysfunction or abuse to believe they are the magical, all powerful

GOD

who is in charge of keeping everyone happy

even if it means for us to be

miserable.

So today...

try on the idea of

"Be true to yourself"

just once.

Take it for a test drive and see how good it feels to walk away from those situations and relationships that

just

aren't

working.

It was when I stopped believing that when things weren't working was because I wasn't working hard enough...

that I had to figure out how to be

good enough

that I finally understood that I

very simply

was

enough.

You are a rockstar...

don't believe 'em when they try to tell you otherwise - k?

Who's "they"?

Anyone who says you are anything BUT

a Rock Star:)

Here's to ringin' those bells and rockin those boats!

Its easy for us to believe something is "wrong" with US because SRBT's have often been conditioned in family dysfunction or abuse to believe they are the magical, all powerful*